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Damien
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Damien

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PostSubject: Hahahaha   Mon Oct 01, 2018 1:10 am

Pick up lines gone wrong.

HE: Can I buy you a drink? SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money. 

HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours. SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours. 

HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice? SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice. 

HE: How did you get to be so beautiful? SHE: I must've been given your share. 

HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday? SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend. 

HE: Your face must turn a few heads SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs. 

HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out. SHE: Okay, get out. 

HE: I think I could make you very happy. SHE: Why? Are you leaving?
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Damien
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PostSubject: Re: Hahahaha   Tue Oct 02, 2018 1:59 am

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you. 
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body. Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts. 
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you love someone? That`s your common sense leaving your body. 
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that. 
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been Googling my name on her computer. 
I saw it through my telescope last night. 
You're not fat, you,re just easier to see. 
I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, Here, fill this out. 
I can't understand why women are OK that JC Penny has an older women's clothing line named, Sag Harbor.
Money can't buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!
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Damien
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PostSubject: Re: Hahahaha   Tue Oct 09, 2018 2:36 am

A widowed lady, travelling alone, was taking a long plane trip back to where she & her husband both grew up. Upon arriving at the airport she informed the airline that she wanted to take her dog with her in the cabin. She became angry when the airline told her she couldn't, but finally gave in and allowed them to put the dog in the baggage compartment. The airline pilot told her, "It will be warm & pressurized in there, & your dog should be just fine. Nothing to worry about." Upon arrival at the first fuel stop, the crew went to check on the dog and found it dead! The airline crew quickly ran all over town until they found a dog of the same color, height, weight, and sex & put it in the cage in place of the dead dog. Upon arrival at their final destination, they hand delivered the lady her dog. Quite surprised, the woman says, "Sorry, but that's not my dog! Could you please go get *my* dog?" The airline pilot replies, "Sure it's your dog. Look! It's the same height, weight, color, & sex as when we loaded it." The lady again insisted, "THIS, IS *NOT* MY DOG!" The airline pilot asks her, "Just how do you know that this isn't your dog?" The widow answers. . . . "Because my dog was dead! I was taking it home to bury it next to my husband!" 
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Damien
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PostSubject: Re: Hahahaha   Wed Oct 10, 2018 3:16 am

A wholesaler in New York sent a letter to the postmaster of a small Midwestern town. He asked for the name of an honest lawyer who would take a collection case against a local debtor who had refused to pay for a shipment of the wholesaler's goods. He got this reply: Dear Sir: I am the postmaster of this village and received your letter. I am also an honest lawyer and ordinarily would be pleased to accept a case against a local debtor. In this case, however, I also happen to be the person you sold? those crummy goods to. I received your demand to pay and refused? to honor it. I am also the banker you sent the draft to draw on the merchant, and I sent that back with a note stating that the? merchant had refused to pay. ?If I were not, for the time being, substituting for the pastor of our local church, I would tell you just what I thought of your claim. 
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Damien
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PostSubject: Re: Hahahaha   Thu Nov 29, 2018 12:39 am

A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it." Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?" 
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davidjt
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PostSubject: Re: Hahahaha   Thu Nov 29, 2018 4:41 am

2thumbsup 2thumbsup 2thumbsup 2thumbsup 2thumbsup 


david
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Damien
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PostSubject: Re: Hahahaha   Fri Dec 14, 2018 11:05 pm

On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things. On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water. When he'd finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten prawns dipped in caviar into the hollow center of the curtain rods. He then cleaned up the kitchen and left. On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first all was bliss. Then, slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked! People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house.The maid quit. Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house. Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were going. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house. Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a price that was only 1/10 nth of what the house had been worth ... but only if he would sign the papers that very day. He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork. A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ... and just to spite the ex-husband, they even took the curtain rods !!! I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU. 
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Damien
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PostSubject: Re: Hahahaha   Fri Dec 14, 2018 11:27 pm

A slice of pizza is in the stomach, waiting to be digested. Suddenly, a shot of whiskey barrels down. The piza lets it pass in front of him. A few minutes later, another shot of whiskey comes through. Courteously, the pizza lets it pass in front of him too. A few minutes later, a third shot of whiskey tumbles into the stomach. The pizza asks they whiskey, "What's going on up there?" "They're having a really great party", says the whiskey. "Really? responds the pizza. "I think I'll go up there and take a look". 

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Damien
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PostSubject: Re: Hahahaha   Fri Dec 28, 2018 11:21 am

So I was talking to a friend about the lists that 
seniors make. For example, there is the bucket list.
Then there is the to do list, The bucket list is the
more enjoyable because its made of the stuff that YOU
want to do. where as the to do list, also known as 
the honey do list, that is the one that she wants you to 
do. Well, I have discovered there is yet another list.
And this one is the one that has evolved over the 
years, and I have also gotten pretty good at it. It is
known as the do nothing list. This one is much 
preferable to the other two. Both of the other lists
require something called "effort." a commodity
I have discovered that I have less of the more years 
I live. Oh, and that bucket list? Don't worry
about that one so much, you are likely to put your
foot in it and trip.Its very similar to the "insert foot in
mouth thing."
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Damien
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PostSubject: Re: Hahahaha   Thu Jan 10, 2019 4:49 am

One afternoon, two doctors from India were having an animated discussion. 
"I say it's spelled 'W-H-O-O-M'," said the first Indian doctor. 
"No, it is 'W-H-O-M-B'," said the other Indian doctor. 
An American nurse passing by said, "Excuse me, you are both wrong.
It is spelled 'W-O-M-B'." 
"Thank you nurse," said one of the doctors, 
"but we prefer to settle this argument ourselves. 
Besides, we don't 
think you are in a position to describe the sound of an elephant passing wind under water."




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Damien
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PostSubject: Re: Hahahaha   Sun Feb 10, 2019 10:54 pm

Mike goes to his first show at an art gallery and is looking at the paintings. One is a huge canvas that has black with yellow blobs of paint splattered all over it. The next painting is a murky gray color that has drips of purple paint streaked cross it. Mike walks over to the artist and says, "I don't understand your paintings." "I paint what I feel inside me," explains the artist. Mike says, "Have you ever tried Alka-Seltzer?" 

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Damien
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PostSubject: Re: Hahahaha   Sun Feb 10, 2019 10:58 pm

Dr. Cutter was a veterinarian in a small town in Maine, known for his wry humor. He surpassed himself one summer day when a city dog was brought to him after an encounter with a porcupine. After almost an hour of prying, pulling, cutting and stitching, he returned the dog to its owner, who asked what she owed. 'Fifty dollars, Ma'am,' he answered. 'Why that's simply outrageous!' she stormed. 'That's what's wrong with you people in Maine, you're always trying to over charge summer visitors. Whatever do you do in the winter, when we're not being ripped off here?' 'Raise porcupines, Ma'am.' 
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Damien
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PostSubject: Re: Hahahaha   Thu Feb 14, 2019 11:44 pm

Some people never seem motivated to participate, but are just content to watch while others do the work. They are called "Spec Taters". ?Some people never do anything to help, but are gifted at finding fault with the way others do the work. They are called "Comment Taters". Some people are very bossy and like to tell others what to do, but don't want to soil their own hands. They are called "Dick Taters". Some people are always looking to cause problems by asking others to agree with them. It is too hot or too cold, too sour or too sweet. They are called "Agie Taters". There are those who say they will help, but somehow just never get around to actually doing the promised help. They are called "Hezzie Taters". Some people can put up a front and pretend to be someone they are not. They are called "Emma Taters". Then there are those who love others and do what they say they will. They are always prepared to stop whatever they are doing and lend a helping hand. They bring real sunshine into the lives of others. They are called "Sweet Taters".
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Damien
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PostSubject: Re: Hahahaha   Fri Feb 15, 2019 12:29 am



On vacation a nine-year-old boy and his father were at the pool, where two attractive women wearing skimpy bikinis were sunning themselves. The father noticed that his son kept staring at the girls and would occasionally glance back at him. He was bracing himself for questions his son might have when they got up to leave. His son watched the girls very closely as they left, then he turned to his father and said, "Dad, can I take that candy bar those girls left behind?" 

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Damien
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PostSubject: Re: Hahahaha   Fri Feb 15, 2019 12:38 am

A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong. "All right children, let's take another example," she said. "If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his billfold with all his money, what would I be?" Little Johnny raises his hand, and with a confident smile, he blurts out, "you'd be his wife!" 
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