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Damien
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Location : Ballarat Vic. Aust.

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PostSubject: Hahahaha   Hahahaha EmptyMon Oct 01, 2018 1:10 am

Pick up lines gone wrong.

HE: Can I buy you a drink? SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money. 

HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours. SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours. 

HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice? SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice. 

HE: How did you get to be so beautiful? SHE: I must've been given your share. 

HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday? SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend. 

HE: Your face must turn a few heads SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs. 

HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out. SHE: Okay, get out. 

HE: I think I could make you very happy. SHE: Why? Are you leaving?
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Damien
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PostSubject: Re: Hahahaha   Hahahaha EmptyTue Oct 02, 2018 1:59 am

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you. 
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body. Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts. 
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you love someone? That`s your common sense leaving your body. 
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that. 
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been Googling my name on her computer. 
I saw it through my telescope last night. 
You're not fat, you,re just easier to see. 
I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, Here, fill this out. 
I can't understand why women are OK that JC Penny has an older women's clothing line named, Sag Harbor.
Money can't buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!
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Damien
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Age : 67
Location : Ballarat Vic. Aust.

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PostSubject: Re: Hahahaha   Hahahaha EmptyTue Oct 09, 2018 2:36 am

A widowed lady, travelling alone, was taking a long plane trip back to where she & her husband both grew up. Upon arriving at the airport she informed the airline that she wanted to take her dog with her in the cabin. She became angry when the airline told her she couldn't, but finally gave in and allowed them to put the dog in the baggage compartment. The airline pilot told her, "It will be warm & pressurized in there, & your dog should be just fine. Nothing to worry about." Upon arrival at the first fuel stop, the crew went to check on the dog and found it dead! The airline crew quickly ran all over town until they found a dog of the same color, height, weight, and sex & put it in the cage in place of the dead dog. Upon arrival at their final destination, they hand delivered the lady her dog. Quite surprised, the woman says, "Sorry, but that's not my dog! Could you please go get *my* dog?" The airline pilot replies, "Sure it's your dog. Look! It's the same height, weight, color, & sex as when we loaded it." The lady again insisted, "THIS, IS *NOT* MY DOG!" The airline pilot asks her, "Just how do you know that this isn't your dog?" The widow answers. . . . "Because my dog was dead! I was taking it home to bury it next to my husband!" 
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Damien
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PostSubject: Re: Hahahaha   Hahahaha EmptyWed Oct 10, 2018 3:16 am

A wholesaler in New York sent a letter to the postmaster of a small Midwestern town. He asked for the name of an honest lawyer who would take a collection case against a local debtor who had refused to pay for a shipment of the wholesaler's goods. He got this reply: Dear Sir: I am the postmaster of this village and received your letter. I am also an honest lawyer and ordinarily would be pleased to accept a case against a local debtor. In this case, however, I also happen to be the person you sold? those crummy goods to. I received your demand to pay and refused? to honor it. I am also the banker you sent the draft to draw on the merchant, and I sent that back with a note stating that the? merchant had refused to pay. ?If I were not, for the time being, substituting for the pastor of our local church, I would tell you just what I thought of your claim. 
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Damien
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PostSubject: Re: Hahahaha   Hahahaha EmptyThu Nov 29, 2018 12:39 am

A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it." Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?" 
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davidjt
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PostSubject: Re: Hahahaha   Hahahaha EmptyThu Nov 29, 2018 4:41 am

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Damien
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PostSubject: Re: Hahahaha   Hahahaha EmptyFri Dec 14, 2018 11:05 pm

On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things. On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water. When he'd finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten prawns dipped in caviar into the hollow center of the curtain rods. He then cleaned up the kitchen and left. On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first all was bliss. Then, slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked! People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house.The maid quit. Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house. Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were going. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house. Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a price that was only 1/10 nth of what the house had been worth ... but only if he would sign the papers that very day. He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork. A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ... and just to spite the ex-husband, they even took the curtain rods !!! I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU. 
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Damien
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PostSubject: Re: Hahahaha   Hahahaha EmptyFri Dec 14, 2018 11:27 pm

A slice of pizza is in the stomach, waiting to be digested. Suddenly, a shot of whiskey barrels down. The piza lets it pass in front of him. A few minutes later, another shot of whiskey comes through. Courteously, the pizza lets it pass in front of him too. A few minutes later, a third shot of whiskey tumbles into the stomach. The pizza asks they whiskey, "What's going on up there?" "They're having a really great party", says the whiskey. "Really? responds the pizza. "I think I'll go up there and take a look". 

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Damien
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PostSubject: Re: Hahahaha   Hahahaha EmptyFri Dec 28, 2018 11:21 am

So I was talking to a friend about the lists that 
seniors make. For example, there is the bucket list.
Then there is the to do list, The bucket list is the
more enjoyable because its made of the stuff that YOU
want to do. where as the to do list, also known as 
the honey do list, that is the one that she wants you to 
do. Well, I have discovered there is yet another list.
And this one is the one that has evolved over the 
years, and I have also gotten pretty good at it. It is
known as the do nothing list. This one is much 
preferable to the other two. Both of the other lists
require something called "effort." a commodity
I have discovered that I have less of the more years 
I live. Oh, and that bucket list? Don't worry
about that one so much, you are likely to put your
foot in it and trip.Its very similar to the "insert foot in
mouth thing."
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Damien
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PostSubject: Re: Hahahaha   Hahahaha EmptyThu Jan 10, 2019 4:49 am

One afternoon, two doctors from India were having an animated discussion. 
"I say it's spelled 'W-H-O-O-M'," said the first Indian doctor. 
"No, it is 'W-H-O-M-B'," said the other Indian doctor. 
An American nurse passing by said, "Excuse me, you are both wrong.
It is spelled 'W-O-M-B'." 
"Thank you nurse," said one of the doctors, 
"but we prefer to settle this argument ourselves. 
Besides, we don't 
think you are in a position to describe the sound of an elephant passing wind under water."




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Damien
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PostSubject: Re: Hahahaha   Hahahaha EmptySun Feb 10, 2019 10:54 pm

Mike goes to his first show at an art gallery and is looking at the paintings. One is a huge canvas that has black with yellow blobs of paint splattered all over it. The next painting is a murky gray color that has drips of purple paint streaked cross it. Mike walks over to the artist and says, "I don't understand your paintings." "I paint what I feel inside me," explains the artist. Mike says, "Have you ever tried Alka-Seltzer?" 

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Damien
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PostSubject: Re: Hahahaha   Hahahaha EmptySun Feb 10, 2019 10:58 pm

Dr. Cutter was a veterinarian in a small town in Maine, known for his wry humor. He surpassed himself one summer day when a city dog was brought to him after an encounter with a porcupine. After almost an hour of prying, pulling, cutting and stitching, he returned the dog to its owner, who asked what she owed. 'Fifty dollars, Ma'am,' he answered. 'Why that's simply outrageous!' she stormed. 'That's what's wrong with you people in Maine, you're always trying to over charge summer visitors. Whatever do you do in the winter, when we're not being ripped off here?' 'Raise porcupines, Ma'am.' 
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Damien
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PostSubject: Re: Hahahaha   Hahahaha EmptyThu Feb 14, 2019 11:44 pm

Some people never seem motivated to participate, but are just content to watch while others do the work. They are called "Spec Taters". ?Some people never do anything to help, but are gifted at finding fault with the way others do the work. They are called "Comment Taters". Some people are very bossy and like to tell others what to do, but don't want to soil their own hands. They are called "Dick Taters". Some people are always looking to cause problems by asking others to agree with them. It is too hot or too cold, too sour or too sweet. They are called "Agie Taters". There are those who say they will help, but somehow just never get around to actually doing the promised help. They are called "Hezzie Taters". Some people can put up a front and pretend to be someone they are not. They are called "Emma Taters". Then there are those who love others and do what they say they will. They are always prepared to stop whatever they are doing and lend a helping hand. They bring real sunshine into the lives of others. They are called "Sweet Taters".
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Damien
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PostSubject: Re: Hahahaha   Hahahaha EmptyFri Feb 15, 2019 12:29 am



On vacation a nine-year-old boy and his father were at the pool, where two attractive women wearing skimpy bikinis were sunning themselves. The father noticed that his son kept staring at the girls and would occasionally glance back at him. He was bracing himself for questions his son might have when they got up to leave. His son watched the girls very closely as they left, then he turned to his father and said, "Dad, can I take that candy bar those girls left behind?" 

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Damien
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PostSubject: Re: Hahahaha   Hahahaha EmptyFri Feb 15, 2019 12:38 am

A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong. "All right children, let's take another example," she said. "If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his billfold with all his money, what would I be?" Little Johnny raises his hand, and with a confident smile, he blurts out, "you'd be his wife!" 
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Damien
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PostSubject: Re: Hahahaha   Hahahaha EmptyFri Feb 22, 2019 2:01 am

A traveler afoot in the mountains came upon a terrifying scene. In front of a lonely mountain cabin, a man was in deadly combat with a huge bear, while his wife sat on a stump nearby with a rifle across her lap. "Why don't you shoot that beast? cried the traveler. "I will if I have to", she replied tersely, "but he's a drunken bum and I'm hoping the bear will save me the trouble." 
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davidjt
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PostSubject: Re: Hahahaha   Hahahaha EmptyFri Feb 22, 2019 8:37 am

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Damien
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PostSubject: Re: Hahahaha   Hahahaha EmptySun Feb 24, 2019 11:04 pm

When the Aliens from outer space get here and see us 
picking up our dogs poop they
will think the dogs rule the world.
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Damien
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PostSubject: Re: Hahahaha   Hahahaha EmptySun Feb 24, 2019 11:29 pm

Young man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the department manager. Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said, 'Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job.' Murphy asked, 'And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct. This being Ireland, and me being Irish I should get the job!' The manager said, 'We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the question that you missed.' Murphy then asked, 'And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?' The manager replied, 'Well, the American put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'' 
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Damien
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PostSubject: Re: Hahahaha   Hahahaha EmptySat Mar 02, 2019 12:01 am

Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:---- 1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. 2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran. 3. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded. 4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded. 5. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it? 6. It was a whole lot easier to get older than it was to get wiser. 7. Some days you're the top dog, some days you're the hydrant. 8. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them. 9. Kids in the back seat cause accidents. 10. Accidents in the back seat cause kids. 11. It is hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. 12. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom. 13. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees. 14. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess. 15. It is not hard to meet expenses . . . They're everywhere. 16. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. 17. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . . I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder “What am I here after?" 18. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded. 19. It is a lot better to be seen than viewed. 20. Have I sent this message to you before...or did I get it from you? 
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Damien
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PostSubject: Re: Hahahaha   Hahahaha EmptySat Mar 02, 2019 12:20 am

A drunk gets on a bus. The driver, impatient while the drunk fumbles in his pocket for change, drives off. As the bus starts rolling, the drunk reacts to the sudden movement by stumbling all the way to the back of the bus. The bus stops at the next stop. He reacts by stumbling to the front of the bus. Still the man is fumbling in his pockets for change. The bus jerks forward once again, and the drunk stumbles uncontrollably to the back of the bus. Next stop, the same thing happens. Every time the bus stops, the man would stagger to the front. Every time the bus starts, he staggers uncontrollably to the back. A few stops later the drunk exits the bus from the front. "Hey", shouts the bus driver... "You didn't pay your fare yet!" The drunk, reeling, shouts back "Why shouldI?!..... I walked all the way!" 
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Damien
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PostSubject: Re: Hahahaha   Hahahaha EmptySat Mar 02, 2019 12:21 am



A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: ''Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.'' The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: ''Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die.'' The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. ' 'Where are you?'' the man asked. ''Who are you?'' ''I am your guardian angel,'' the voice answered. ''Oh yeah?'' the man asked... '' Where the heck were you when I got married?'' 
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Damien
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PostSubject: Re: Hahahaha   Hahahaha EmptyTue Mar 05, 2019 2:22 am

PUNS 1 The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi. 
2 I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian . 
3 She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still. 
4 A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption. 
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery. 
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering. 
7 A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. 
8 Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. 
9 A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it. 
10 Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 
11 Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 
12 Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other. "You stay here; I'll go on a head." 
13 I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
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Damien
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PostSubject: Re: Hahahaha   Hahahaha EmptyTue Mar 19, 2019 5:10 am

A farmer finally decided to buy a TV. The store assured him that they would install the antenna and TV the next day. The next evening the farmer turned on his new TV and found only political ads on every channel. The next morning he turned the TV on and found only political ads again. When he came in to eat lunch he tried the TV again but still only found political ads. The next day when he still found only political ads he called the store to complain. The owner said that it was impossible for every channel to only have political ads, but agreed to send their repairman to check the TV. When the TV repairman turned on the TV he found that the farmer was right. After looking at the TV for a while he went outside to check the antenna. In a few minutes he returned and told the farmer he had found the problem. The antenna had been installed on top of the windmill and grounded to the manure spreader. 
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Damien
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PostSubject: Re: Hahahaha   Hahahaha EmptyFri Mar 22, 2019 1:16 am

TEN THINGS A CAT THINKS ABOUT 

1. I could have sworn I heard the can opener. 

2. Is there something I'm not getting when humans make noise with their mouths? 

3. Why doesn't the government do something about dogs? 

4. I wonder if Morris really liked 9-Lives, or did he have ulterior motives? 

5. Hmmm ... If dogs serve humans, and humans serve cats, why can't we cats ever get these stupid dogs to do anything for us? 

6. This looks like a good spot for a nap. 

7. Hey -- no kidding, I'm sure that's the can opener. 

8. Would humans have built a vast and complex civilization of their own if we cats hadn't given them a reason to invent sofas and can openers in the first place? 

9. If there's a God, how can He allow neutering? 

10. If that really was the can opener, I'll play finicky just to let them know who's boss! 

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Damien
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PostSubject: Re: Hahahaha   Hahahaha EmptyFri Mar 22, 2019 1:23 am

TEN THINGS A CAT THINKS ABOUT 

1. I could have sworn I heard the can opener. 

2. Is there something I'm not getting when humans make noise with their mouths? 

3. Why doesn't the government do something about dogs? 

4. I wonder if Morris really liked 9-Lives, or did he have ulterior motives? 

5. Hmmm ... If dogs serve humans, and humans serve cats, why can't we cats ever get these stupid dogs to do anything for us? 

6. This looks like a good spot for a nap. 

7. Hey -- no kidding, I'm sure that's the can opener. 

8. Would humans have built a vast and complex civilization of their own if we cats hadn't given them a reason to invent sofas and can openers in the first place? 

9. If there's a God, how can He allow neutering? 

10. If that really was the can opener, I'll play finicky just to let them know who's boss! 

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Damien
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PostSubject: Re: Hahahaha   Hahahaha EmptyFri Mar 22, 2019 1:27 am



Sven was looking for a job and heard that their was an opening for a janitor at the local Lutheran church. He applied for the job and the interview went very well. "You have the job," he was told, "just sign this paper." Sven made a big "X" on the paper. "What's that?" he was asked. "That's my mark." "You're supposed to sign your name." "That's my mark," Sven replied, "I cannot read or write." "What? We're sorry to work here you have to be able to sign your name." Well, Sven finally got himself a job as a mate on a tugboat, and eventually he became captain of his own tugboat. He did well for himself and eventually had a fleet of ships of his own and became one of the wealthiest men in the community. ?One day the mayor decided to honor him for setting such a good example for other immigrants, and what they can accomplish with hard work and ingenuity.. The mayor says, "Sven, we want to give you the key to the city! Just sign this form." ? Sven made a big "X" on the paper. "What's that?" he was asked. "That's my mark." "Your mark?" The mayor asked. "Aih, I cannot read or write, so that's my mark." "You accomplished all of this not being able to read or write?" The mayor exclaimed. "Just think what you could have done if you could read and write!" "Yes," Sven said. "I could have been a church janitor." 
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Damien
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PostSubject: Re: Hahahaha   Hahahaha EmptyFri Mar 22, 2019 1:32 am

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," Explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule." We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said, "That's once." We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said," That's twice." We hadn't gone a half mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My wife promptly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot him. I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, "That's once." 
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Damien
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PostSubject: Re: Hahahaha   Hahahaha EmptyFri Mar 22, 2019 1:34 am

Spanish singer Julio Iglesias was on television with British TV host Anne Diamond when he used the word 'mahnyanna'. Diamond asked him to explain what it meant. He said that the term means "maybe the job will be done tomorrow, maybe the next day, maybe the day after that. Perhaps next week, next month, next year. Who cares?" The host turned to Irishman Shay Brennan who was also on the show and asked him if there was an equivalent term in Irish. "No. In Ireland we don't have a word to describe that degree of urgency," replied Brennan. 

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Damien
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PostSubject: Re: Hahahaha   Hahahaha EmptyWed Apr 03, 2019 1:43 am

The owner of a construction company lived where winters were very fierce. He felt he was doing a good deed when he bought earmuffs for his foreman. Noticing, however, that the foreman wasn't wearing the earmuffs even on the bitterest day, the owner asked, "Didn't you like the muffs?" The Foreman said, "They were a thing of beauty. They kept my ears toasty warm, and I was able to work all day in perfect comfort." "Then why aren't you wearing them?" the owner asked. "I wore them the first day," the foreman explained, "and somebody offered to buy me lunch, but I didn't hear him! I'll never make that mistake again!" 
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davidjt
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PostSubject: Re: Hahahaha   Hahahaha EmptyWed Apr 03, 2019 8:45 am

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PostSubject: Re: Hahahaha   Hahahaha EmptySat May 04, 2019 9:31 pm

A Newfoundland farmer named Angus had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.
In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Angus. 
'Didn't you say to the RCMP at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine I'm fine?' asked the solicitor. 
Angus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... ' 
'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?' 
Angus said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road.... '
The solicitor interrupted again and said ,'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. ' 
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Angus' answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.
Angus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans. 
Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?' 
'Now wot da heck would you say?
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