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Damien
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PostSubject: Hahaha   Thu Apr 19, 2018 4:05 am

Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening. Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent. Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture. As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below. Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair. - Sister Barbara," on a piece of paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man's attention and tossed it out the window to him. The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street. The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills. "What's this?" she asked. "That's the $8,000 you have coming Sister," he replied. "Don't Despair paid 80-to-1. 
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PostSubject: Re: Hahaha   Thu Apr 19, 2018 4:08 am


I come from a large family, five sisters and three brothers. My sisters and I were looking through the family photo album one day. Picture after picture, we were all dressed in matching clothes. I asked my mother why she dressed us all alike, right down to the baby. She explained, "When we had just four children, I dressed you alike so we wouldn't lose any of you. Then," she added, looking at the pictures in the album, "When the other four came along, I started dressing you alike so we won't pick up any that don't belong to us. 
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PostSubject: Re: Hahaha   Thu Apr 19, 2018 7:10 am

2thumbsup 2thumbsup 2thumbsup 2thumbsup lol! lol! lol! lol! lol!
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PostSubject: Re: Hahaha   Fri Apr 20, 2018 7:45 am

It's 3:00 A.M. and Goldie wakes up to see her husband pacing the floor. "Morris, why can't you sleep?" she asks him. "You know our next door neighbor, Sam. I borrowed $1000 from him, and it's due tomorrow morning and I don't have the money.. I don't know what I'm going to do." Morris replies. Goldie gets out of bed and opens the window. "Sam," she shouts, and several times more, "Sam, Sam." Finally a very groggy Sam opens the window opposite her and yells back, "What, what is it...it's 3 AM, what do you want?" Goldie says, "You know the $1000 my husband owes you? He doesn't have it." She then slams the window shut and turns to Morris and says, now you go to sleep and let Sam pace the floor." 
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PostSubject: Re: Hahaha   Sun May 06, 2018 12:59 am

A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description. She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, had dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children." The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4 inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children." The wife replied, "Yeah, but who wants HIM back?" 
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PostSubject: Re: Hahaha   Sun May 06, 2018 12:59 am

Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. Every year Fred would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Edna would say, "I know Fred, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said, "Edna, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance." Edna replied, "Fred that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars." Fred and Edna agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They land and the pilot turns to Fred, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't." Fred replied, "Well, I was going to say something when Edna fell out of the plane, but ten dollars is ten dollars. 
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PostSubject: Re: Hahaha   Sat May 12, 2018 1:45 am

Two out of work bums decided that they would be better off in a more downtown location so they hitched a ride. The driver dropped them off in the city's red-light district. A hooker approached one of the bums and said, "Say guy... Would you like a hand job?" The bum shook his head and said, "Errr... no, it's ok." A few minutes later another hooker approached the bums and said, "Say guys... Would you like a blow job?" The bum again shook his head and said, "Errr... no, it's ok." After the hooker left the bum turned to his buddy and said, "We'd better go back where we came from. We've only been here 10 minutes, and we've been offered two jobs already!" 
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PostSubject: Re: Hahaha   Sat May 12, 2018 1:54 am

I married Miss Right.
I just didn’t know her first name was “Always.”
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PostSubject: Re: Hahaha   Sat May 12, 2018 7:35 am

2thumbsup 2thumbsup 2thumbsup 2thumbsup 2thumbsup

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PostSubject: Re: Hahaha   Thu May 24, 2018 2:57 am

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51" Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Las Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Las Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way. The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane ... only this time there were two people in the plane. The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"
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PostSubject: Re: Hahaha   Fri Jun 08, 2018 1:15 pm

The boss Wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick. So he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. ' "Hello ?" 'Is your daddy home?' ' Small voice whispered, ' Yes, he's out in the garden ,' ’May I talk with him?' The child whispered, ' No .' ; So the boss asked, 'Well, is your Mommy there?' ‘Yes she's out in the garden too’ ‘The boss asked; 'May I talk with her?' Again the ‘No’ . 'Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?' ' Yes ,' whispered the child, ' a policeman. ' Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?' ' No, He's busy , ' whispered the child. 'Busy doing what?' ' Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the police dog men. ' Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?' ' It's a helicopter ' answered the whispering voice. 'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. ' The search team just landed a helicopter ' 'A search team?' said the boss. 'What are they searching for?' Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle.... ' ME 
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PostSubject: Re: Hahaha   Fri Jun 08, 2018 1:46 pm

2thumbsup 2thumbsup 2thumbsup 2thumbsup 2thumbsup 2thumbsup 

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PostSubject: Re: Hahaha   Sat Jun 09, 2018 2:08 am

The old man was on his death bed. One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?” he concluded. “What, dear?” she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. “I think you’re bad luck.” 
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PostSubject: Re: Hahaha   Sat Jun 09, 2018 9:13 am

Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant. "Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer. They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please". The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer. When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please." 
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PostSubject: Re: Hahaha   Sat Jun 16, 2018 11:50 am

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers. The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy. Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she guessed. Is it wine? Is it Scotch ? "No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?" "No," said the little boy. "It's a puppy!" 
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PostSubject: Re: Hahaha   Tue Jun 19, 2018 2:27 am

One day, an elderly woman was walking along the street, coming home from the supermarket. Her bag of groceries was especially heavy that day, and as she passed Nathan Hale's Used Cars, she got an idea that she could drive herself to the store and save a lot of shoe leather, time and aching muscles. She walks into the car dealership and, as it just so happens, gets the owner himself. He asks her what kind of car she wants and she replies, "Well, sonny, I can't remember the name exactly, but it has something to do with hate or anger." The dealer replies, "Well, let's see... Oh yes, you want a Plymouth Fury! We have a couple on the lot. What color do you prefer?" The lady has some trouble explaining the exact color to him, so she reaches into her shopping bag, takes out an ear of corn, strips down the shucks and says, "I want this color, Sonny." To which Nathan replies, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but we don't have any in this color. Could I show you a nice blue one?" "No son, I want this color." "But ma'am, they didn't make that color! Maybe a cherry red one would suit you?" says the owner, obviously worried about losing a sale. By this time, the old lady gets very angry, and starts throwing ears of corn at the owner, thereby chasing him out of the office and into the lot. One of the salesmen, coming into the office from the back door, notices the disruption and asks the secretary what the old woman was so upset about. The secretary replies, "Apparently, Hale hath no Fury like the woman's corn!" 
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PostSubject: Re: Hahaha   Tue Jun 19, 2018 2:37 am

My mother never let me help much in the kitchen. As a result, my cooking ability was practically non-existent when I got married. But, I did remember mother mentioning to her friends that she did make cakes, pies and other things from scratch. So my first priority after the honeymoon, was to locate some scratch. With mother's delicious cakes in mind, my first trip to the supermarket was to buy some scratch. I found the aisle that read -- Baking Items. I spent a good 15 minutes looking at everything from vegetable oil,sugar, flour and chocolate without seeing a sign of scratch. I was sure it wouldn't be with the pickles or the meat. I asked the clerk if they carried scratch. He looked at me funny and finally said, "You'll have to go to the store on the corner." When I got there, it turned out to be a feed store. I thought it rather strange, but I decided cakes were food. "Do you have scratch?" I asked the clerk. He asked me how much I wanted. I suggested a pound or two. His reply was, "How many chickens do you have? It only comes in 20 pound bags." I really didn't understand why he mentioned chickens, but I had heard mother say she made chicken casserole from scratch. So, I bought 20 pounds and hurried home. My next problem was to find a recipe calling for scratch. I went through every single page of my lovely "Better Homes and Gardens" Cookbook -- a wedding gift. I looked and looked for a recipe using scratch. There I was with 20 pounds and no recipe. When I opened the scratch, I had doubts that a beautiful, fluffy cake would ever result from such a hard looking ingredient. I hoped with the addition of liquids and heat the result would be successful. I had no need to mention my problem to my new husband. He had suggested very early in our marriage that he liked to cook and would gladly take over anytime. One day he made a pie and when I told him how good it was, he said that he made it from scratch. That assured me that it could be done. Being a new bride is scary and when I found out he made pies, cakes, and even lemon pudding from scratch . . . . well, if he made all those things from scratch, I was sure he had bought a 20 pound bag of scratch also. But, I couldn't find where he stored it, and I checked my supply. It was still full! At this point I was ready to give up because all the people knew about scratch except me. I decided to try a different approach. One day when my husband was not doing anything, I said, "Honey, I wish you'd bake a cake." He got out the flour, sugar, eggs, milk and shortening. But, not a sign of scratch. I watched him blend it together, pour it into a pan and slide it into the oven to bake. An hour later, as we were eating the cake, I looked at him and smiled and said, "Honey, why don't we raise a few chickens?" 
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PostSubject: Re: Hahaha   Tue Jun 19, 2018 2:41 am

A city boy moved to the country and bought a mule from an old farmer. The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I have some bad news. The mule died." "Well, then, just give me my money back." "Can't do that. I went and spent it already." "OK, then. Just unload the mule." "What ya gonna do with him?" "I'm going to raffle him off," "You can't raffle off a dead mule!" "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead." A month later the farmer met up with the city boy and asked, "Whatever happened with that dead mule?" "I raffled him off. I sold a hundred tickets at two dollars apiece and made a ninety-eight dollar profit. "Didn't anyone complain?" "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back." 
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PostSubject: Re: Hahaha   Tue Jun 19, 2018 2:57 am

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down.You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. What'll it be?" The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky mountains.""So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest. The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?" "No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing." "In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud." "So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears. A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them, He asks.?" "The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult." "Why?" asketh the Lord. "He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota." 
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PostSubject: Re: Hahaha   Tue Jun 19, 2018 3:11 am

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful .. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh Good Grief! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh Good Grief ! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What on earth is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs? The husband leaned over and calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving. 
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PostSubject: Re: Hahaha   Tue Jun 19, 2018 7:39 am

perfect reply   2thumbsup 2thumbsup 2thumbsup 2thumbsup 2thumbsup
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PostSubject: Re: Hahaha   Sun Jul 01, 2018 7:11 am

There was this man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and a lot of things that took two arms. One day he could not stand it anymore. He decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a tall building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man on the sidewalk below skipping along whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and noticed this man didn't have any arms at all. He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life. He hurried down and caught the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly, useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he now knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could do it with no arms. The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again. He asked "Why are you so happy anyway?" He said "I'm NOT happy; my butt itches." 
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PostSubject: Re: Hahaha   Sun Jul 01, 2018 7:21 am

2thumbsup 2thumbsup 2thumbsup 2thumbsup 2thumbsup 

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PostSubject: Re: Hahaha   Tue Jul 10, 2018 6:54 am

A biker riding a Harley is riding by the zoo in Washington , DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.
Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'
The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'
The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'
The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.'
The journalist leaves. The following morning the biker buys the paper to see news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:
U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS
AFRICAN IMMIGRANT
AND STEALS HIS LUNCH

That pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days


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PostSubject: Re: Hahaha   Thu Jul 12, 2018 12:25 pm



A workman was killed at a construction site. The police began questioning a number of the other workers. Based with past brushes with the law, many of these workers were considered prime suspects. They were a motley crew: The electrician was suspected of wiretapping once but was never charged. The carpenter thought he was a stud. He tried to frame another man one time. The glazier went to great panes to conceal his past. He still claims that he didn't do anything; that he was framed. The painter had a brush with the law several years ago. The heating, ventilation and air conditioning contractor was known to pack heat. He was arrested once but duct the charges. The mason was suspect because he gets stoned regularly. The cabinet maker is an accomplished counter fitter. The autopsy led the police to arrest the carpenter, who subsequently confessed. The evidence against him was irrefutable, because it was found that the workman, when he died, was hammered. 
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PostSubject: Re: Hahaha   Thu Jul 12, 2018 12:30 pm

A trucker came into a Truck Stop Café and placed his order. He said I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store? No,' the cook said. 'Three flat tires... Mean three pancakes; a pair of headlights.. Is two eggs sunny side up; and a pair of running boards... Are 2 slices of crisp bacon! Oh.. OK!' said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer. The trucker asked, 'What are the beans for, Blondie?' She replied, I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up! 
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PostSubject: Re: Hahaha   Thu Jul 12, 2018 12:32 pm

When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what's wrong with me." "Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "You're just a plain old lazy fart." "Thank You." said the man. "Now give me the medical term, so I can tell my wife!" 

A Polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a gin............................... and tonic." The bartender asks, "What's with the big pause?" The bear says, "I dunno, I've always had them." 
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PostSubject: Re: Hahaha   Mon Jul 16, 2018 3:04 am

A farmer took the camper off his truck before going to town. As he was going down the road three Hillbillies were standing beside the road hitchhiking. The farmer picked them up, one Hillbilly got in the front and the other two Hillbillies got in the back. As they were going over the hill the brakes went out on the truck. The farmer couldn't stop the truck and they went into the pond at the bottom. The farmer and the Hillbilly that were up front come up out of the water a minute later. They kept waiting for the two in the back to come up. The farmer said, "I wonder where they are?" The Hillbilly said, "Maybe they drowned." About five minutes later they come up gasping for breath. The farmer asked, "What the Hell took you so long?" The two Hillbillies said, "We had a devil of a time getting that dang tailgate open!" 
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PostSubject: Re: Hahaha   Mon Jul 16, 2018 3:07 am

*Tips For Blondes* 

If you're bidding on a job for UPS, don't send your bid by FedEx. 

If your computer says, "Printer out of Paper," this problem cannot be resolved by continuously clicking the "OK" button. 

If you want your refrigerator's ice maker to work, you need to hook it to a water source. Air doesn't make good ice unless it is mixed with water. 

No matter how much data you add to your laptop, it will not get heavier. 

A bad place to store your emergency backup diskette is on the underside of your desk drawer, secured by a large magnet. 

It's okay to use the Polaroid Land Camera on a boat. 

When the PC says, "Insert diskette #2," don't do it immediately. Remove disk #1 first, even if you're sure you can make them both fit in there. 

When your PC says "You have mail," don't go to the company mailroom and look for a package. 

The French version of Netscape Navigator doesn't translate English language web pages into French. 

If you're in the armed services and it's April 1st and you get an e-mail message to call Colonel Sanders for new orders.......... don't!! 

If you go to the computer store to buy a mousepad, you don't have to specify whether it's for a Windows or a Macintosh. 
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PostSubject: Re: Hahaha   Mon Jul 16, 2018 3:39 am

Church Bulletin Bloopers* 

The youth group has raised almost $500 for drug abuse. 

"Correction: The following typo appeared in our last bulletin: 'Lunch on Sun. will be gin at 12:15.' Please correct to read '12 noon.' " 

Any church member over the age of 18 is invited to participate in this lay ministry program. It requires a very minimal amount of training and time. The orientation will include six weekly classes of about 200 hours each Tuesday night. 

The Seniors group will have a picnic Saturday. Each person is asked to bring a friend, a vegetable, and dessert in a covered dish. Meat and drinks will be furnished. 

The last day of Vacation Bible School will include a field trip to the state game farm. We could use some additional volunteers to help prepare the lunch of sandwiches, potato chips, cheese, crack, and kool aid that morning. 

Remember the youth rummage sale for Summer Camp. We have a Gents three-speed bicycle, also two ladies for sale, in good running order 

In response to bringing your pets, Mrs Taylor has volunteered to bring her fat to the children's bible class for all to enjoy.
 
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PostSubject: Re: Hahaha   Fri Jul 20, 2018 11:20 am

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a late-model Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car???!!!" He calmly told them, "I bought it today." "With what money?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs." "Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars." So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they said. "It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "I don't know her name they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars." "Oh, Mercy," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on." So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it. "Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but it seems he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn't intend to come back. He asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did. 
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PostSubject: Re: Hahaha   Mon Jul 23, 2018 1:48 am

When Steph was about five she and I were headed to McDonald's one day. On the way we passed a terrible car accident. Usually when we see something like that, we would say a prayer for those who might be hurt. So I pointed to the accident and said, "We should pray." From the back seat I heard her heartfelt prayer: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's." 
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PostSubject: Re: Hahaha   Mon Jul 23, 2018 1:51 am

A kindergartener was practicing her spelling with magnetic letters on the refrigerator: dog, cat, mom, and dad were proudly displayed for all to see. One morning, while getting ready for school, she ran into the kitchen with her arms outstretched. In her hands were three magnetic letters: G-O-D. "Mommy, look what I spelled," she exclaimed proudly. "That's wonderful!" her mother praised her. "Go and put them on the fridge so Daddy can see them tonight when he gets home from work." The mother happily thought that the Catholic education was certainly having an impact. Just then, a little voice called out...."Mommy, how do you spell 'zilla'?" 
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PostSubject: Re: Hahaha   Mon Jul 23, 2018 2:36 am

A young doctor went to look at a practice that was up for sale in a very remote part of West Virginia. It looked perfect with a comfortable house, fully equipped lab, and lovely gardens. The old doctor even quoted a very affordable price. "This looks great," said the young doctor. "I just can't figure out how you're able to have such a nice set up with so few people to practice on." "It's just simple, common sense and a strong work ethic," replied the older medico. "For example, most folks around here take a couple weeks off for a vacation every year. My wife and I, however, spend the time at home, gardening and putting things in order. Our herb garden gives us a huge harvest because of that, so we mix the herbs and boil them up for my secret tonic." "But that doesn't explain this fine house and all this land," said the younger man. The elder doc replied, "That's where going that extra bit pays off. I run into my patients at church, at the store, whatever, right after they get back from their vacations. I tell them they don't look too good, and they usually say that their vacation took a lot out of them." He continued, "I'll agree with them, then invite them to stop around to my office for some of my old fashioned tonic, and at ten bucks a bottle, it can add up really fast! Of course, that's just the beginning. A few weeks after a patient buys the tonic, I comment on how much better they're looking, so that they feel like the tonic is working." "Then I have them stop by the office for a complete physical exam, just to make sure everything is alright. I also tell them to bring in a specimen, and this way I get my bottles back!" 
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PostSubject: Re: Hahaha   Mon Jul 23, 2018 2:42 am

Boss: Do you believe in life after death? Employee: No, because there is no proof of it. Boss: Well there is now ! Employee: How? Boss: When you left yesterday saying that you have to go to your uncle's funeral, your uncle came here looking for you after you left. 




Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?" Student: "Meat!" Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?" Student: "Bacon!" Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?" Student: "Homework!" 
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PostSubject: Re: Hahaha   Mon Jul 23, 2018 2:44 am

Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons. One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble. One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. Then he started looking in and under cars until a police man approached him and asked, "What are you doing?" "Playing a game," the boy replied. "What is your name?" the officer questioned. "Mind Your Own Business." Furious the policeman inquired, "Are you looking for trouble?!" The boy replied, "Why, yes." Do you know where he is? 
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PostSubject: Re: Hahaha   Mon Jul 23, 2018 2:47 am

A blonde was taking helicopter lessons, inside alone. The instructor said, "I'll radio you every 1,000 feet to see how you're doing." At 1,000 feet, the instructor radioed her and said she was doing great. At 2,000 feet, he said she was still doing well. Right before she got to 3,000 feet, the propeller stopped, and she twirled to the ground. The instructor ran to where she crashed and pulled her out of the helicopter. He asked her, "What went wrong?" The blonde said, "At 2,500 feet, I started to get cold, so I turned the big fan off!!! 
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PostSubject: Re: Hahaha   Wed Jul 25, 2018 3:53 am

The family was gathered at dinner. The oldest boy announced he was going to marry the girl across the street. "But her family didn't have  a penny," objected his father. "And she hasn't saved a cent," added mother. "She doesn't know a thing about football," said junior.. "I've never seen a girl with such funny hair," said sister.. "All she does is read novels," said uncle. "And such poor taste in the choice of her clothes," said aunt. "But she isn't sparing of the powder and the paint," said grandma. "True," said the boy. "But she has one supreme advantage over all of us." "What's that? everyone wanted to know. "She has no family.
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PostSubject: Re: Hahaha   Wed Jul 25, 2018 8:45 am

2thumbsup 2thumbsup 2thumbsup 2thumbsup 2thumbsup 2thumbsup 2thumbsup 


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PostSubject: Re: Hahaha   Thu Aug 02, 2018 3:37 am

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. "Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked. Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms." 
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PostSubject: Re: Hahaha   Sun Aug 26, 2018 3:29 am

Things You Don't Want to Overhear Over an Airline P.A. System 

1. Ocean crossing flight: This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices. 

2. Hey folks, were going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts. 

3. Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that it's all part of our airlines new commitment to make your a flight a sight seeing extravaganza. 

5. Ummmmmm....Sorry......(silence) 

6. (As the plane turns around right after takeoff)....uhhhhh....we have to go back .... we ..we ....uhhhhhh ....forgot something..... 

7. I'm sure everyone noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in weight and drag will mean we'll be flying much more efficiently now. (ironic note: this is actually true for prop aircraft!) 

8. Fasten your seat belt. (same tone your friend with the suicidal driving tendencies uses when you get in the car) 

9. This is your Captain speaking....these stupid planes are a lot different than the ships I'm used to.. so you'll have to give me some leeway... 

10. It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades and watched the in-flight movie. 

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PostSubject: Re: Hahaha   Wed Aug 29, 2018 9:20 pm

I met an older woman at the pub last night. She looked pretty good for a 60+year-old. For true, she wasn't too bad at all and I found myself thinking she likely... had a truly hot daughter. We drank a few of beers and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double? "What's that?" I asked. "It's a mother and daughter threesome," she said. As my mind began to wrap about the thought, I wondered what her daughter might look like. I said, "No, I haven't." We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, "Tonight's your lucky night." We went back to her place. We walked in. She switched on the hall light and shouted upstairs:


"Mom … You still awake?"
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PostSubject: Re: Hahaha   Thu Aug 30, 2018 12:23 am

2thumbsup lol! lol! lol! lol! lol! lol! lol! lol! lol! lol! lol! lol! lol! 2thumbsup
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PostSubject: Useful Romantic Lines for Valentine Cards    Thu Aug 30, 2018 2:17 am

Useful Romantic Lines for Valentine Cards 

I thought that I could love no other Until, that is, I met your brother... 

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you. But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head... 

Of loving beauty you float with grace If only you could hide your face... 

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot This describes everything you are not... 

I want to feel your sweet embrace But don't take that paper bag off of your face... 

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes- Damn, I'm good at telling lies! 

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife: Marrying you screwed up my life... 

I see your face when I am dreaming That's why I always wake up screaming... 

My love you take my breath away What have you stepped in to smell this way... 

What inspired this amorous rhyme? Two parts vodka, one part lime... 
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PostSubject: Re: Hahaha   Thu Aug 30, 2018 2:22 am

One afternoon, a woman was in her back yard hanging the laundry when an old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. The woman could tell from the dog' s collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. But when she walked into the house, the dog followed her, sauntered down the hall and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door, and the woman let him out. The next day the dog was back. He resumed his position in the hallway and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, the woman pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon, your dog comes to my house for a nap." The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "We have ten children. He's trying to catch up on his sleep." 

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PostSubject: Re: Hahaha   Thu Aug 30, 2018 2:26 am

Two mature gentleman were talking and one said to the other, "You're having an anniversary soon, right?" The other replied, "Yes indeed, a big one ... 20 years." "Wow," said the other. "What are you going to get your wife for your anniversary?" The other replied, "We're going on a trip to Antarctica." "Wow, Antarctica, that's some magnificent gift!" said the other man. "That's going to be hard to beat. What are you going to do for your 25th anniversary?" "Oh, I'm not sure yet. Maybe I'll go back and get her." 
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PostSubject: Re: Hahaha   Thu Aug 30, 2018 8:46 am

2thumbsup 2thumbsup 2thumbsup 2thumbsup 2thumbsup 2thumbsup 2thumbsup 2thumbsup 2thumbsup 2thumbsup 


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PostSubject: Re: Hahaha   Thu Aug 30, 2018 12:24 pm

Murphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed one of his client's jurors to
hold out for a charge of manslaughter, 
fearing the murder charge being brought by the state. 
The jury was out for days before returning with the verdict: 

"Manslaughter!" Later, as Murphy paid off the corrupt juror, 

he asked him if he had a hard time 
convincing the other jurors to see things his way.
"Boy, did I!" said the juror. "They kept voting to acquit!" 
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PostSubject: Re: Hahaha   Tue Sep 04, 2018 1:06 am


A little girl was diligently pounding away on her father's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read." 

Rosey and Shirley had been out of touch for years until they met at the mall one day. Rosey said, "Shirley, it's been so long. I heard you got married." "Yes," said Shirley, "I married a lawyer, and an honest man, too." "Hmmm," said Rosey, "isn't that bigamy?" 

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PostSubject: Re: Hahaha   Tue Sep 04, 2018 1:52 am

A father gave his little girl a puppy for her birthday. Just an hour later he found a puddle in the middle of the kitchen floor. He called out loud for his daughter who came running into the kitchen. Her father asked her to explain why she wasn't watching her new dog. She looked up and said simply, "My pup runneth over." 
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