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Damien
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PostSubject: Funnies   Fri Jan 02, 2015 6:52 am

A game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother in law. One morning, while deep in the forest, the wife awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother... The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother in law was backed up against a big rock, and a large lion stood right in front of her. The wife cried, "What are we going to do?" "Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."
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PostSubject: Re: Funnies   Fri Jan 02, 2015 7:14 am

Another year has passed 
And we're all a little older. 
Last summer felt hotter 
And winter seems much colder. 

There was a time not long ago 
When life was quite a blast. 
Now I fully understand 
About 'Living in the Past' 

We used to go to weddings, 
Football games and lunches.. 
Now we go to funeral homes 
And after-funeral brunches. 

We used to have hangovers, 
From parties that were gay. 
Now we suffer body aches 
And wile the night away. 

We used to go out dining, 
And couldn't get our fill. 
Now we ask for doggie bags, 
Come home and take a pill. 

We used to often travel 
To places near and far. 
Now we get sore asses 
From riding in the car. 

We used to go to nightclubs 
And drink a little booze. 
Now we stay home at night 
And watch the evening news. 

That, my friend is how life is, 
And now my tale is told. 
So, enjoy each day and live it up... 
Before you're too darned old!
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PostSubject: Re: Funnies   Fri Jan 02, 2015 8:55 am

nice little rhyme 2thumbsup
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PostSubject: Re: Funnies   Sat Jan 10, 2015 6:04 am

As a new school Principal, Mr. Mitchell was checking over his school on the first day. Passing the stockroom, he was startled to see the door wide open and teachers bustling in and out, carrying off books and supplies in preparation for the arrival of students the next day. The school where he had been a Principal the previous year had used a check-out system only slightly less elaborate than that at Fort Knox. Cautiously, he asked the school's long time Custodian, "Do you think it's wise to keep the stock room unlocked and to let the teachers take things without requisitions?" The Custodian looked at him gravely. "We trust them with the children, don't we?" 





Starfleet HQ: “Remember, when you land on that planet and meet their leader, don't laugh because he's only 12 inches tall.” Captain Picard: “How do you know the leader's height?” Starfleet HQ: “We've been informed that he's a ruler.” 





At a clearance sale, the wife of a federal district court judge found a green tie that was a perfect match for one of her husband's sports jackets. Soon after, while the couple was vacationing at a resort complex to get his mind off a rather complicated cocaine conspiracy case, he noticed a small, round disc sewn into the design of the tie. The judge showed it to a local FBI agent, who was equally suspicious that it might be a 'bug' planted by the conspiracy defendants. The agent sent the device to FBI headquarters In Washington, DC for analysis. Two weeks later, the judge phoned the Washington office to learn the results of their tests. "We're not sure where the disc came from," the FBI told him, "but we discovered that when you press it, it plays 'Jingle Bells.'"
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PostSubject: Re: Funnies   Thu Jan 15, 2015 1:40 pm

Memo from Director General to Manager: Today at 11 o'clock there will be a total eclipse of the sun. This is when the sun disappears behind the moon for two minutes. As this is something that cannot be seen every day, time will be allowed for employees to view the eclipse in the car park. Staff should meet in the car park at ten to eleven, when I will deliver a short speech introducing the eclipse, and giving some background information. Safety goggles will be made available at a small cost. 

Memo from Manager to Department Heads: Today at ten to eleven, all staff should meet in the car park. This will be followed by a total eclipse of the sun, which will disappear for two minutes. For a moderate cost, this will be made safe with goggles. The Director General will deliver a short speech beforehand to give us all some background information. This is not something that can be seen every day. 

Memo from Department Head to Floor Manager: The Director General will today deliver a short speech to make the sun disappear for two minutes in the eclipse. This is something that cannot be seen every day, so staff will meet in the car park at ten or eleven. This will be safe, if you pay a moderate cost. 

Memo From Floor Manager to Supervisor: Ten or eleven staff are to go to the car park, where the Director General will eclipse the sun for two minutes. This doesn't happen every day. It will be safe, but it will cost you. Memo from Supervisor to staff: Some staff will go to the car park today to see the Director general disappear. It is a pity this doesn't happen every day. 
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PostSubject: Re: Funnies   Sun Jan 18, 2015 12:56 pm

Jimmie, an octogenarian, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years passed away. He was quite alone in the world, longing for companionship. One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty silver-haired lady, who was sitting alone on a park bench. Getting his nerve up, he approached the lady and asked graciously, "Pardon me, ma'am, but may I sit here with you?" Marcia looked up to see a distinguished looking white-haired gentleman and replied, "Why, certainly," and she scooted over gently to give him room to sit down. For the next two hours, the couple sat and talked about everything. They discovered that they came from the same part of the country, liked the same band music, voted for the same presidential candidates, had had long happy marriages, lost their spouses in the last year, and in general agreed about almost everything. Finally, the old gentleman cleared his throat and asked sheepishly, "Ma'am, may I ask you two questions?" With great anticipation Marcia replied, "Why certainly!" The old gentleman removed a handkerchief from his jacket pocket, spread it on the ground in front of her. He very gingerly got down on one knee and looked her softly in the eyes. "Marcia, I know we've only known each other for a couple of hours, but we have so much in common! I feel I have known you all my life. Will you marry me and be my wife?" Marcia grabbed at Jimmie's hands and replied, "Why, yes, I will marry you! You have made me so very happy!" She reached over and kissed him gently on the cheek. Then Marcia said, "You said you had two questions to ask me. What is the second question?" Jimmie scratched his neck and asked, "Will you please help me get up?"





A young man staggered into the small-town bakery at the crack of dawn on an extremely cold, wet, and stormy morning. "Thank heavens you are open," he gasped. "Do you have fresh double chocolate muffins?" When the baker nodded , a huge smile broke out on the young man's face. "It's worth the trip, then - she'll be so happy. It will make her day!" The baker nodded with understanding. "Are these for your mother, then?" he asked. "No - my wife! Do you think my mother would send me out on a day like this?"
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PostSubject: Re: Funnies   Sat Jan 24, 2015 6:58 am

One afternoon I was walking on a trail with my baby daughter, chatting to her about the scenery. When a man and his dog approached, I leaned down to the carriage and said, "See the doggy?" Suddenly I felt foolish talking to my baby as if she understood me. However, just as the man passed, he reached down, patted his dog, and said, "See the baby?" 


Q: What did the windmill say when she met her favorite movie star? 
A: "Nice to meet you. I'm a BIG FAN!" 







I have always questioned if Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton were really ministers since they have no church. So, when I heard Al Sharpton was guest preacher at a black Houston Church, I decided to check him out in person and see what he was all about. I sat down and Sharpton came up to me. I don't know why, maybe it was because I was the only white person in the Church. He laid his hands on my hand and said: "By the will of Jesus the Lord All Mighty, and the will of God, you will walk today." I told him I was not paralyzed. He came back and laid his hands on me again, and said: "By the will of Jesus the Lord All Mighty, and the will of God, you will walk today." Again I told him there is nothing wrong with me. After the sermon I stepped outside the church and lo and behold, my car had been stolen! 







As a kid I used to have a lemonade stand. The sign said, "All you can drink for a dime." So some kid would come up, plunk down his dime, drink a glass, and say, "Refill it." I'd say, "That'll be another dime." "How come? Your sign says 'All you can drink for a dime'!" "Well, you had a glass didn't you?" "Yeah." "That's all you can drink for a dime." 

I think this kid is destined to politics 


This kid is destined to be a politician 
As a kid I used to have a lemonade stand. The sign said, "All you can drink for a dime." So some kid would come up, plunk down his dime, drink a glass, and say, "Refill it." I'd say, "That'll be another dime." "How come? Your sign says 'All you can drink for a dime'!" "Well, you had a glass didn't you?" "Yeah." "That's all you can drink for a dime." 







My sister's youngest boy liked nothing better than to sit on his grandfather's knee and have stories read to him. One day after a story about Noah's ark, and how Noah led pairs of animals to the safety of the ark the little boy asked, "Granddad, you are very old, were you in Noah's ark?" "Gosh no", said Granddad. "In that case, how come you didn't drown when the flood came?" 

Pilot: "Have you ever flown in a small plane before?" Passenger: "No, I have not." Pilot: "Well, here is some chewing gum. It will help to keep your ears from popping." Pilot (after the plane landed): "Did the gum help?" Passenger: "Yep, it worked fine. The only trouble is, I can’t get the gum out of my ears!" 








A mangy looking guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "No way. I don't think you can pay for it." The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?" The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risque." "Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the keyboard and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good. The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. "Money or another miracle, or else no drink," says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says, "It's a deal." He takes the $300 and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender yells to the guy "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy." "Not so," says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."
 
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PostSubject: Re: Funnies   Thu Jan 29, 2015 8:56 am

My cousin, Vinny, is in a bad spot. He has a bad inner ear problem that needs surgery soon, or he'll lose his hearing on that side. He has no insurance, though, and the cost is way too prohibitive for him. He does have a way out, though. A local widow has offered to pay for the operation, but only if he'll marry her afterwards. She's twenty years older than him and not very bright. You could call this a "wife or deaf situation." 







The professor of a graduate-school class of gifted students included a huge amount of material on the mid-term exam. Tension in the room built up, people were sighing and gasping aloud, as they realized how much material they had covered -- and were expected to recall. The following week, the professor tossed the graded papers on her desk and announced, "Class, after I left here last week, the Lord spoke to me." "What did He say?" asked one of the students. "He said, 'Gee, thanks, professor. I haven't heard from SOME of those people in years!'" 
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PostSubject: Re: Funnies   Sat Jan 31, 2015 11:23 am

It’s Really Hot Outside How hot is it? The birds have to use pot-holders to pull worms out of the ground. The trees are whistling for the dogs. The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance. Hot water now comes out of both taps. You can make sun tea instantly. You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron. The temperature drops below 95ºF and you feel a little chilly. You discover that in August it only takes two fingers to steer your car. You discover that you CAN get sunburned through your car window. You actually burned your hand opening the car door. You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 A.M. Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out. and end up lying on the pavement and cooking to death?" You realize that asphalt has a liquid state. The potatoes cooked underground -- and all you have to do is pull one out, add butter, salt and pepper. Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs. The cows are giving evaporated milk. THAT is how hot it is!!







A blonde reports for her university final exam, which consists of mainly true-and-false questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper five minutes, then in a fit of inspiration, she takes out her purse, removes a coin, starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet. She put true for 'heads' and false for 'tails.' Within 30 minutes she's all done, while the rest of the class is still working furiously. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is happening. "I finished the exam in a half hour," she replies. "As I have more time left, I'm re-checking my answers." 
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PostSubject: Re: Funnies   Tue Feb 03, 2015 7:41 am

While taking a routine vandalism report at a primary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"
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PostSubject: Re: Funnies   Wed Feb 04, 2015 10:21 am

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a saloon and sat down to drink a Beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who Owns the Big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do .... Why?" The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought You'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!" The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better." Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the saloon to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him This time?" The cowboy looks him in the eye and says, "Nothing, but you left your injun runnin!"
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PostSubject: Re: Funnies   Thu Feb 05, 2015 6:32 am

A guy was speeding down the road and got pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper said, "Do you have any idea how fast you were going ?" The driver looked at the trooper and said, "Do you see the woman sitting in the passenger seat ?" The trooper said. "Yes." "That's my wife," the driver said to the trooper. "Do you see the woman sitting in the back seat ?" The trooper said, "Yes." "That's my mother in law. She lives with us. They just had a big spat and she said she was moving out. I'm trying to get them home before they make up !!!!" The trooper wrote him a warning and then gave him an escort home with lights flashing.





The fragrance department of a major New York City store where I shop is always pushing the latest scents. Attractive models move about the floor offering to spray customers with the newest bouquet. One day, outside the store's restaurant, a model sprayed two women who had just finished their lunch. When one woman commented that the perfume was too strong, the model replied, "The fragrance will be softer once it dries and the alcohol wears off." "See!" her friend chided. "I told you not to have that second drink." 







After an unusually severe windstorm, Dorsey, a farmer friend of mine, called his insurance claims adjuster to come to his farm to survey the damage. One major mishap was that the barn roof had been lifted off intact and carried about 50 yards from the barn. The adjuster had been there for ten minutes when he said, "Well, it looks like you lost your roof." "Nope," Dorsey replied. "It's not lost. It just ain't where I want it." 







When does a man feel like watering the garden? After having a six pack. 

At the Olympics a man went up to a competitor who was carrying a very long pole. "Are you a pole vaulter?" "No, I'm German, but how did you know my name is Walter?" 

I always felt those Farm Aid concerts were an awesome idea because I know first-hand how tough it is being a small farmer these days -- especially when the DEA keeps burning your crop before you can harvest. 







In my senior year I reluctantly took a required psychology course. The first day, the professor commented on each student's major, trying to provoke a response. It was working. Some students were becoming defensive. When it was my turn, I told him I was a music major. "So," asked my professor, "what does your father think of you wasting your education to study music." And I shot back, "He's just thankful that I didn't go into psychology." 







"Aquaman is making his big screen debut in the upcoming Justice League movie. I'm not clear how Aquaman will get into the Justice League headquarters. It's an all-glass building with no rivers or streams leading to it. It gives me a bad feeling that Aquaman arrives through the toilet." 




An FBI agent was talking to a bank teller after the bank had been robbed for the third time by the same bandit. "Did you notice anything special about the man?" he asked. "Yes, he seems to be better dressed each time," the teller replied. 
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PostSubject: Re: Funnies   Sun Feb 08, 2015 7:13 am

I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, 'So which six items would you like to buy?' 







After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks and insane regulations at the department of motor vehicles, a lady stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for her son. She brought her selection - a baseball bat - to the cash register. "Cash or charge," the clerk asked. "Cash," she snapped. Then apologizing for her rudeness, she explained, " I've spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau. I am way past sane!!" "Shall I gift -wrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly, "Or or you going back there?" 







There's a Chihuahua and a Pit Bull sitting at the bar. In walks a hottie of a Poodle, strutting her stuff. The bartender bets both of them that they could not pick up on her, with a line using the words "liver" and "cheese". The Pit Bull goes first and walks proudly over to her and says "I got some liver back at my place." She turns her nose up, and looks the other way. He then says "I bet when you cut the cheese, it smells sweet." She almost gagged with disgust, and was getting ready to walk out, when the Chihuahua rolls up, and says "Liver alone, cheese mine!" 





A group of tourists were watching the re-enactment of an ancient Egyptian religious ritual. One turned to a nearby local, pointed to the statue that was being praised and asked, 'Pardon me, but what was the name of that god supposed to be?' 'Why do you ask?' the man replied. The tourist shrugged. 'Just idol curiosity, I guess.'







 A man went on a ski trip, and was knocked unconscious by the chair lift. He called his insurance company from the hospital, but it refused to cover his injury. "Why is the injury not covered?" he asked. "You got hit in the head by a chair lift," the insurance rep said. "That makes you an idiot, and we consider that a pre- existing condition."







A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, 'No, ma'am, we haven't had any for some weeks now, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon.' Alarmed by what was being said, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said, 'That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago.' Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, 'Never, never, never, never say we don't have something. If we don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on its way. Now, what was it she wanted?' The clerk smiled and said...'Rain...'







After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks and insane regulations at the department of motor vehicles, a lady stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for her son. She brought her selection - a baseball bat - to the cash register. "Cash or charge," the clerk asked. "Cash," she snapped. Then apologizing for her rudeness, she explained, " I've spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau. I am way past sane!!" "Shall I gift -wrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly, "Or or you going back there?
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PostSubject: Re: Funnies   Fri Feb 13, 2015 2:29 am

The CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport. Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'. The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.' 'Why?' asked the pilot. 'Because I'm a photographer for CNN' , he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.' The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?' 







Scientists have shown that the moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable distance from the earth every year. If you do the math, you can calculate that 85 million years ago the moon was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth's surface. This would explain the death of the dinosaurs...the tallest ones, anyway. 

My wife packed my bags and said "GET OUT!!!" As I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!" 







At Sea World, our grandson absolutely refused to see the show featuring Shamu, the killer whale, but he wouldn't tell us why. No amount of discussion could get him to change his mind. Later, when we got home, we discovered the reason for his reluctance. An aunt had told him how exciting the show would be because "they choose children from the audience to feed Shamu." 

A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough." The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?" 
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PostSubject: Re: Funnies   Fri Mar 06, 2015 12:05 pm

A young man who wants to see the world signs on to a steamship to be trained as a helmsman. He masters the classroom instruction and then starts his practical training on the wheel of the vessel. In his first lesson, the mate gives him a heading, and the young fellow holds to it. Then the mate orders, "Come starboard." Pleased at knowing immediately which way starboard is, the young man leaves the helm and walks over to his instructor. The mate has an incredulous look on his face as the helm swings freely. Then, rather gently considering the circumstance, he asks politely, "Could you bring the ship with you?" 



A father thought he had done a good job in teaching his son manners, good behavior, etc. When the four-year-old said to him one day, "When I grow up, I want to be just like you, Dad..." The father's heart swelled with pride until the boy finished his sentence. "so then I can reach the light switch!" 
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PostSubject: Re: Funnies   Sat Mar 07, 2015 10:14 am

A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102. Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old. The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly. The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France." The new man asked, "What happened?" "One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!" 











Max was worried. Sam, his loyal deli customer every day for thirty years, doesn't show up. Max loves Sam, every day at the deli he gives him the best cuts, charges him the least, treats him like family. So on the second day, his absence is again concerning. When he doesn't show up on the third day, Max is almost beside himself. The fourth day brings more agony with Sam's disappearance. On the fifth day, Friday, pacing back forth, not knowing what to do, he glances across the street at his competitor's deli. Through the window, he sees Sam at the deli counter right across the street. Max tears off his apron, storms across the thoroughfare, and confronts Sam: "What are you doing? For thirty years you've been my customer; I've given you the best cuts for your meals, I've charged you next to nothing, I've treated you like my closest family! How could you show so little loyalty after all this time?" "Relax," says Sam; "it's nudding...donn vorry. On Munday I hadt a rood-canal...ann de dentist said fer a vile, I should eat on de udder side." 
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PostSubject: Re: Funnies   Mon Mar 09, 2015 2:46 am

A wealthy Arab Sheik was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his type of blood in case the need arose. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out. Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman in appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, 5 carats of diamonds, and $50,000 dollars. A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. The hospital telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate more of his blood again. After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Black Magic chocolates. The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had before. He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another BMW, diamonds and money ... but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of chocolates." To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins". 
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PostSubject: Re: Funnies   Sun Mar 22, 2015 11:25 am

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, 'Hey Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona.' The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, 'I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser.' The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, 'I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.' He gets it. The guy from Guinness sits down and says, 'Give me a Coke.' The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, 'Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?' The Guinness president replies, 'Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I.' 





A blonde walks into a barber shop with headphones on. She tells the barber what cut she wants, but that he has to cut around her headphones. The barber looks a little puzzled but agrees. So, he starts cutting the best he can but accidently he knocks the headphones off. Within a few seconds the girl dies. Very startled, the man walks over and picks up the headphones and hears, "breathe in, breathe out." 
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PostSubject: Re: Funnies   Tue Mar 24, 2015 3:43 am

An elderly man in Phoenix called his son in New York and said, "I hate to ruin your day Bob, but your mother and I are getting a divorce. Twenty-five years of misery is enough! I'm sick of her, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Boston and tell her." Then he hung up. Bob immediately called his sister, who was absolutely frantic upon hearing the news. She called her father. "You two are not getting a divorce!" she yelled. "Bob and I will be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a single thing, do you hear me?" The old man hung up the phone and turned to his wife. "It worked!" he said. "The kids are coming for a visit, and they're paying their own way!" 






A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him. "Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?" Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend." He then throws back another shot of whiskey in one gulp. "But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!" The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs, "Not anymore!... He is!" 







Buffy was hunched over the bar, toothpick in hand, spearing futilely at the olive in her drink. A dozen times the olive eluded her. Finally, another patron, who had been watching intently from the next stool, became exasperated and grabbed the toothpick. "Here, this is how you do it," he said, as he easily skewered the olive. "Big deal," muttered Buffy. "I already had him so tired  out, he couldn't get away."
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PostSubject: Re: Funnies   Fri Mar 27, 2015 7:55 am

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority (MTA)
found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and
there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
 
A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and,
to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT
Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.
                   
However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying
colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.
                   
By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of
the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2%
were killed by an impact with a car.
                   
MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if
there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck
kills versus car kills.
                   
He very quickly concluded the cause: When crows eat road
kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to
warn of impending danger.
                
They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout
"Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."
 

we do hope you enjoy today's issue
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PostSubject: Re: Funnies   Fri Apr 10, 2015 4:53 am

An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time, became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: Dr. Geezer's clinic. "Get your treatment for $500, if not cured get back $1,000." Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic. This is what transpired. 
Dr. Young: --- "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth can you please help me? ” 
Dr. Geezer: --- "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth." 
Dr. Young: --- Aaagh !! -- "This is gasoline!" 
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500." 
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money. 
Dr Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything." 
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." 
Doctor Young: "Oh no you don't, -- that is gasoline!" 
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500." 
Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days. 
Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see !!!! ” 
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so -- " Here's your $1000 back." 
Dr. Young: "But this is only $500..." 
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500." Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an old "Geezer " !!!! 
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PostSubject: Re: Funnies   Sat Apr 11, 2015 3:38 am

2thumbsup 2thumbsup 2thumbsup 2thumbsup 2thumbsup 2thumbsup 2thumbsup 2thumbsup 2thumbsup
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PostSubject: Re: Funnies   Mon Jun 01, 2015 1:15 am

The British Penny:
European Union Directive

No. 456179

In order to bring about further integration with the single European currency, the Euro, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase "Spending a Penny" is not to be used after 31 March 2015.
From this date onward, the correct term will be: "Euronating".

It is hoped that this will be a great relief to everyone.


If you have any questions, just give me a tinkle.
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