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 Not to near the mark I hope

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troutrunner
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PostSubject: Not to near the mark I hope   Wed Dec 10, 2014 8:50 am

The teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly there was a commotion at the back of the room She went back to investigate, only to find him sitting at his desk with his willy poking out.

'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said. 'I did,' he replied, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out till lunch time, she'd come and pick me up.'
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PostSubject: Re: Not to near the mark I hope   Wed Dec 10, 2014 10:04 am

lol! lol! lol! lol! lol! lol!

david
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PostSubject: Re: Not to near the mark I hope   Fri Dec 12, 2014 9:42 am

The Smiths were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower and their descendants included senators and Wall Street wizards. They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose, how to handle great-uncle George, the criminal, who was executed in the electric chair. The author said he could handle the story tactfully. The book appeared. It said, "Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock. 













A man was walking home alone one night when he heard a BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... behind him. Walking faster, he looks back, making out an image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street toward him. BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... The man begins to run toward his home, but the coffin just keeps bouncing quickly after him. FASTER... FASTER... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in and locks the door behind him. However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin flapping. BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... The coffin is right on the heels of the terrified man. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding. With a crash, the coffin breaks down the door. Coming slowly toward him, the man is screaming and he reaches for something, anything. All he can find is a box of cough drops. Desperate, he throws the cough drops at the coffin. And, of course, the coffin stops!














Itzik Smadar recently moved from Israel to America to work for a high tech firm. Even though it was new to him, he would join his new co-workers for drinks after work. One day a police officer caught Itzik staggering out of the bar towards the parking lot. "I'll just wait until he pulls out and then I'll pull him over for drunk driving," the cop said to his partner. The cop had no doubt about it, Itzik was as drunk as could be. After tripping over a rock and dusting himself off, Itzik slowly made his way towards his car swaying every which way. After opening the passenger side door by mistake, Itzik finally opened the right door and sat down heavily in the driver's seat. After dosing off for a few minutes Itzik seemed to awake out of his drunken slumber and slowly put his keys in the ignition turning on the car. Itzik barely started pulling out before the cop turned on his sirens full blast and headed over to the car. "Alright buddy" said the cop, "get on out and let me see you walk a straight line." To the cop's surprise Itzik easily walked a straight line. After passing the Breathalyzer test too, the cop was positively mystified. "How'd you get sober so quick?" questioned the cop. "Get sober?" responded Itzik with a smile, "I always was sober, I was just distracting you so all my drunken co-workers could escape without you noticing!" (Must be a designated 'driver'.) 
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troutrunner
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PostSubject: Re: Not to near the mark I hope   Fri Dec 12, 2014 10:22 am

lol!
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PostSubject: Re: Not to near the mark I hope   Fri Dec 19, 2014 10:48 am

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside. As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over the bar:


COLD BEER : 2.00
HAMBURGER : 2.25
CHEESEBURGER : 2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : 3.50
HAND JOB : 50.00


Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers. She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.

"Yes?" she enquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?"

The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs, "Why yes I sure am".

The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good cause I want a cheeseburger".
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